I don't really know when I woke up there. I didn't seem strange . I didnt know who was there for a long while. And then I recognized my friends. I don't know how long they were there. But there they were. Every once in awhile someone new would come in and say hi. It was nice. I had no way to interpret the looks on their faces. I wasn't trying . I was starting to understand there had been an accident . I was glad I wasn't driving , and wasn't in a car. And that no one but me was hurt. You see you never know about those things. I thought I must be hurt pretty bad to get my own room. Turned out I was just lucky. I was having a streak.
There was this big window, a northwest view. But I could only see the top half. Portland is still a very green city. I overlooked the helipad. But instead of the window, the bed faced this big black rectangle . I had tubes hanging out of me. Which made the drugs load easier. I never felt pain. At least I don't remember. And each by each my friends trickled in, who had given blood, and waited while I hovered and lived, and they hugged me. My girls and my wife and my dear dear friends . Who had given blood and waited. And I never cried. I saw tears and was glad they were relieved but I had no idea. I was still kinda foggy.
My days all were still kinda foggy, as my swelling went down, and then my tubes went out. I realized eventually that there was no reason I had to stare at that black rectangle, and I asked if they could angle my bed toward the window, and they did, kinda, a bit. There was green , in different shades, and you could see the shadows swing with the sun through the August light . I could see houses, still and the stable lay of distant roads and the night time lights.
Eventually they took all my tubes out and they taught me how to sit up and slide on a board into a wheel chair . They left me alone for a bit and I wheeled toward the window , and could see the highway I couldn't see before . The cars and trucks moving . I remembered hitchhiking on the interstate when I was 19 and 20. And that's when I cried. First time, but only a bit . I was saving up.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Monday, September 14, 2015
Two things happen.
Two things happened . I don't know if they are related , but they feel like it. I'm going to write what I know about them . But they are very different and so I'm going to separate them by paragraphs. So as to be more expository. One thing is a foggy place in my head . Where things are almost taking form , it is irresolute , quavering , unsure and open to suggestion and leading . The other is Interventional Radiology . Where things are more precise. And clear vision is important .
I know when they brought me in to the medical place, I was bleeding internally . I was bleeding to death. I was swollen in my middle because I was bleeding so much. Again, bleeding to death . That happens. My friends gave blood . Lots of it. All they could. I love them. I took either 15 or 20 units of blood. My friends gave 26. I hope you have friends like that. Even the scared ones gave. That makes me smile. I will give now because of them.
In my head it was dark, cool, almost cold, there was a back ground to my vision. A gray white fabric ,light like silk, it was moving always, with breath and vision , a gray , white cloud. Not too far or close , but I could see that I was breathing, soft, in rolls of white, and the motion, my thoughts would follow, to small vortexes of small thoughts.
Looking at me, giving me blood , looking for wounds , Dr Cheung worked for 8 hrs. Keeping me alive, the blood and breath. She found small wounds in my abdomen , nothing big, not the killers. Sh e kept me alive. She gave me blood and breath.
And the fabric rolled and rolled , gray , in small vortexes . I found a hole , it was my size. I could hide in it, I knew. The noise would stop, did I mention the noise ? It was cooler around the hole and the motion would stop, it was quiet , peaceful. I knew where I was. It was quiet there, cool and always would be . There would be no bother, pain or trouble. Quiet and cool , cool cool. It as silver and smooth and just my size .
Dr. Cheung turned me over, the swelling there too. She needed to see. So she called for the next crew of life savers . Whose names I am seeking now. The Interventional Radiologists. They could see inside me. My kidneys, lungs, all those little places. There was lots of blood . I was bleeding all over my insides, in back. They could see, and pieced me in a couple places with their tiny wires with the hot ends. The hot ends that fry up the spots that are bleeding. They knew I was bleeding to death, and had to find the spots that were spouting , as my friends were giving. They had pictures , but so many levels , and just had to start where they were.
This hole I mentioned , the quiet one. I knew I could slide in there. It would be so easy. No one ever to give me shit about anything ever again. And another notion too. That this hole would always be there. Is there still. And will be filled eventually. But there may come a time, when you might see the hole beckon, and not be able to reach it, for years. The hole is always yours , but they might try to keep you from it. I could go there now, on my own I knew. My own power, and not be stopped. That might not always be true.
So the crew upstairs , Interventional Radiology, they are finding blood, and places spouting blood and their little catheters are frying them up , spot by spot , and the see my kidneys and a messy place
there. Lots of blood , lots to do. Lots of spots to fry. And my friends are lying down and eating cookies and drinking juice and giving me blood. And the folks with the screens and catheters are busy busy busy. And they are finding plenty to do but there's more more more .
On this flowing gray fabric, where I see the silver hole , the quiet silver hole. On the gray rolling fabric, I see a spark. A gold spark, and when it hits the gray fabric it turns to green, like an emerald . A shiny green star. And then another one . A golden spark that turns to emerald green there on the flowing gray . And another , and another. They are warm. And they turn to notes of music. And the notes they play are warm notes, there is love behind them, lots and lots, like the blood my friends are giving. It's strong.
Interventional radiology finds the big damage near my kidney . They seal it with their wires, all,of it , and the bleeding stops.
And the music starts.
I know when they brought me in to the medical place, I was bleeding internally . I was bleeding to death. I was swollen in my middle because I was bleeding so much. Again, bleeding to death . That happens. My friends gave blood . Lots of it. All they could. I love them. I took either 15 or 20 units of blood. My friends gave 26. I hope you have friends like that. Even the scared ones gave. That makes me smile. I will give now because of them.
In my head it was dark, cool, almost cold, there was a back ground to my vision. A gray white fabric ,light like silk, it was moving always, with breath and vision , a gray , white cloud. Not too far or close , but I could see that I was breathing, soft, in rolls of white, and the motion, my thoughts would follow, to small vortexes of small thoughts.
Looking at me, giving me blood , looking for wounds , Dr Cheung worked for 8 hrs. Keeping me alive, the blood and breath. She found small wounds in my abdomen , nothing big, not the killers. Sh e kept me alive. She gave me blood and breath.
And the fabric rolled and rolled , gray , in small vortexes . I found a hole , it was my size. I could hide in it, I knew. The noise would stop, did I mention the noise ? It was cooler around the hole and the motion would stop, it was quiet , peaceful. I knew where I was. It was quiet there, cool and always would be . There would be no bother, pain or trouble. Quiet and cool , cool cool. It as silver and smooth and just my size .
Dr. Cheung turned me over, the swelling there too. She needed to see. So she called for the next crew of life savers . Whose names I am seeking now. The Interventional Radiologists. They could see inside me. My kidneys, lungs, all those little places. There was lots of blood . I was bleeding all over my insides, in back. They could see, and pieced me in a couple places with their tiny wires with the hot ends. The hot ends that fry up the spots that are bleeding. They knew I was bleeding to death, and had to find the spots that were spouting , as my friends were giving. They had pictures , but so many levels , and just had to start where they were.
This hole I mentioned , the quiet one. I knew I could slide in there. It would be so easy. No one ever to give me shit about anything ever again. And another notion too. That this hole would always be there. Is there still. And will be filled eventually. But there may come a time, when you might see the hole beckon, and not be able to reach it, for years. The hole is always yours , but they might try to keep you from it. I could go there now, on my own I knew. My own power, and not be stopped. That might not always be true.
So the crew upstairs , Interventional Radiology, they are finding blood, and places spouting blood and their little catheters are frying them up , spot by spot , and the see my kidneys and a messy place
there. Lots of blood , lots to do. Lots of spots to fry. And my friends are lying down and eating cookies and drinking juice and giving me blood. And the folks with the screens and catheters are busy busy busy. And they are finding plenty to do but there's more more more .
On this flowing gray fabric, where I see the silver hole , the quiet silver hole. On the gray rolling fabric, I see a spark. A gold spark, and when it hits the gray fabric it turns to green, like an emerald . A shiny green star. And then another one . A golden spark that turns to emerald green there on the flowing gray . And another , and another. They are warm. And they turn to notes of music. And the notes they play are warm notes, there is love behind them, lots and lots, like the blood my friends are giving. It's strong.
Interventional radiology finds the big damage near my kidney . They seal it with their wires, all,of it , and the bleeding stops.
And the music starts.
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Later that day...I
So I'm in the dark, in the warm , the light comes in by odd turns. When it's dark I sneak a feel of my wrists, their large plastic wrappings and the slim wires hooked to some dark rail. My mask imposed , projecting down my face I don't know how deep or why . I don't see it in the light , below my strapped field of vision. This has been my life for how long ? Since I awoke in this sphere of warm dark. Tell me where I am but leave me muzzled . Tell me there was an accident but leave me shackled . I don't know you , no one I know is telling me to trust you , you've left me shackled in the dark . I've heard the story, there's been an accident.
I'm no fool . I remember things . Among the things I remember, is how to make your fist into a wrist , some of you might remember? Hmmm? And out it comes like in it went, can you feel that tight and smooth ? Recall that native slide, and all I need is one hand free. Then I recall another thing , trapped in the sunken sub , the surface far above , through fields of dark water, you'll get no breath , no air until you break the surface . There will be no mistaking that . But you must not try to inhale until that revelation. You must not on penalty of true absolute death because you are here alone and in secret and if you ask for help its back in the cuffs . This must be done on one long exhale alone and truly done for actual life for even if they heard you choke would it be in time ?
Go ! And out goes the breath as you pull that muzzle off your face and you feel the tube come rising up your throat and do not stop that outward breath until Bang ! You break the Holy Black Surface . I don't remember getting hit by that damn truck but I absolutely remember this. This is the way you deintubeate yourself in the dark in the SCU . Finish up with a mega loogie on the foolish mask. Score one for the home team, when you come in next will you smile ? More later guys ....
I'm no fool . I remember things . Among the things I remember, is how to make your fist into a wrist , some of you might remember? Hmmm? And out it comes like in it went, can you feel that tight and smooth ? Recall that native slide, and all I need is one hand free. Then I recall another thing , trapped in the sunken sub , the surface far above , through fields of dark water, you'll get no breath , no air until you break the surface . There will be no mistaking that . But you must not try to inhale until that revelation. You must not on penalty of true absolute death because you are here alone and in secret and if you ask for help its back in the cuffs . This must be done on one long exhale alone and truly done for actual life for even if they heard you choke would it be in time ?
Go ! And out goes the breath as you pull that muzzle off your face and you feel the tube come rising up your throat and do not stop that outward breath until Bang ! You break the Holy Black Surface . I don't remember getting hit by that damn truck but I absolutely remember this. This is the way you deintubeate yourself in the dark in the SCU . Finish up with a mega loogie on the foolish mask. Score one for the home team, when you come in next will you smile ? More later guys ....
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